Winging It: Death, Destruction, Disaster, Muffins
by Pavlova Lamington
Summary: Episode 1 of the West Wing parody series. Throw continuity to the wind and just wing it!


WINGING IT  
  
Episode One: Death, Destruction, Disaster, Muffins  
  
Josh rages to himself as he makes his way through the corridors (a labyrinth of passages, really, constructed more for the purpose of pedeconferencing than for the purpose of actually getting from one place to another), as much due to his being accustomed to holding discussions while walking in this manner as is due to his actual anger.  
  
JOSH: ...I don't care what anyone says, it can't be true... this cannot be happening...  
  
LEO: I'm afraid it is happening, Josh.  
  
JOSH: (startled) Where the hell did you come from?  
  
LEO: The Situation Room.  
  
Leo falls into step with Josh as Bonnie and Ginger amble past, lugging a garden swing-couch between them.  
  
JOSH: What were you doing in the Sit Room? (narrows eyes) I thought we weren't scheduled to have another national security disaster until after we get screwed by a member of our own party we trusted and run into some trouble passing a vitally important bill?  
  
LEO: We're not; we were just passing bets on which White House staffer would be the next to go through an emotional breakdown.  
  
JOSH: (curious) Yeah? You guys do that often?  
  
LEO: Oh, yeah. I won seventy bucks on you, Christmas before last.  
  
JOSH: Glad to be of service  
  
Josh sidesteps to avoid being trampled by a harassed-looking staffer, rushing by with stacks of paper Monopoly money in his arms, before pressing Leo on more important matters.  
  
JOSH: So, what are the odds on me?  
  
LEO: I wouldn't worry about it too much; your chances are pretty slim. Ginger's the favourite at the moment.  
  
JOSH: Ginger? (he gives Leo an injured look) But I have PTSD!  
  
LEO: (dismissively) Yeah, everyone's forgotten about that by now. Besides, Ginger works for Toby, so she's a lost cause. Sure, she's held up a little longer than most, but she's gotta crack sooner or later...  
  
JOSH: I work with Toby, too. You're saying that's not strenuous, especially with my already fragile condition, which-  
  
LEO: Which everybody else no longer cares about. (indignant, Josh opens his mouth to respond but Leo gets there first) Look, we can stand here arguing about this all day, but right now I really think we've got bigger things on our plate.  
  
JOSH: (growing serious) So you heard about the-?  
  
LEO: Yeah.  
  
JOSH: And it's true? (the look on Leo's face is indication enough, but he nods gravely) Damn it, Leo, how could we not have seen this coming? After all this, nobody even thought of the possibility that... that someone might pull this on us? Nobody even anticipated...  
  
Josh is forced to a halt as an aide struggling to carry an oversized garden gnome walks by. After he has passed, the two continue on.  
  
JOSH: Have we found the source yet?  
  
LEO: Yeah, we found 'em.  
  
JOSH: Who?  
  
A pause.  
  
LEO: Margaret.  
  
JOSH: (exploding) What?! You're kidding! Margaret started this? Our Margaret? Your assistant Margaret?"  
  
A random congressman (thrown in to add that extra aura of politics to the scene) stops to stare. Unfortunately, Donna has been walking close behind him and, not anticipating this sudden change in speed, runs headlong into the man, dropping a pavlova at his feet. Josh blinks at this, before diverting his attentions back to the matter at hand.  
  
JOSH: So what happened?  
  
LEO: (shrugs) It was a petition she started; we don't have all the details yet... Josh, it was an innocent...  
  
JOSH: (incredulous) A petition. And she actually managed to get a hold of people who were both willing and stupid enough to sign it.  
  
LEO: Well, no. She only managed to collect two signatures. One of which was her own.  
  
JOSH: Then why the hell-!!  
  
LEO: Because, Josh, the other one was the President's!  
  
By this point they have both stopped in their tracks by this point and are facing each other, Leo's features tinged with exasperation, Josh's covered with stark disbelief. Neither is aware of the huge audience (including a school teacher who is not Mallory, and her class, a school teacher who is Mallory and her class, many random aides, congressmen and senators (again, just there to emphasise the political side of the scene), Darth Vader and a sulphur-crested cockatoo) that their raised voices have attracted.  
  
JOSH: Leo, tell me I'm reading this wrong, tell me you're referring to the President of Indonesia or... I don't know, Australia.  
  
LEO: Australia doesn't have a president.  
  
JOSH: Yeah. Why is that, anyway?  
  
LEO: (shrugs) They can't even elect themselves a competent prime minister; how do you think they'd go with their head of state?  
  
JOSH: Good point. (the crowd parts as they start to walk again) So, hang on, just... Just let me see if I've got this. The President - this president, of the United States of America - signed a petition, condemning the distribution of muffins, in particular raisin muffins, in the mess.  
  
LEO: (swerving to avoid collision with Nancy, who is looking around furtively while trying to conceal a wriggling bundle beneath her jumper) No, not exactly.  
  
JOSH: But you just said-!  
  
LEO: I said that the President's signature was on the petition, not that he was the one who signed the damn thing. In fact, I was there in the Oval ten minutes ago and I swear to God he didn't even know this thing was even a thing! (Leo has suddenly remembered he still has a 'thing' quota to fill)  
  
JOSH: Oh, so... So, what you're really saying is, somebody's going around forging the President's signature?  
  
LEO: That's what it looks like.  
  
JOSH: And that's all they've been at, just Margaret's muffin petition?  
  
LEO: Josh-  
  
JOSH: I'm just saying, today the muffins, tomorrow the world, you know what I mean?  
  
They are approaching Leo's office by now. Margaret is there, typing at her desk and trying her best to blend in with her surroundings.  
  
JOSH:...who could've forged the President's signature, anyway? (Margaret flinches, but neither Josh nor Leo seems to notice. All the same, she flicks some papers across the desk to conceal a page filled with excellent imitations of Jed Bartlet's handwriting) Seriously, we've got people working in this White House who could sign the President's name, is that really such a good idea? They're already terrorising the muffins, what next? National security? Coffee?  
  
Josh follows Leo into the chief of staff's office, where CJ, Toby, Sam and Will are waiting for them.  
  
LEO: What the hell is everyone doing in here?  
  
CJ: You asked us to come by your office.  
  
LEO: Oh... so I did. So what the hell is Sam doing in here?  
  
TOBY: That's a good question, what the hell are you doing here, Sam?  
  
SAM: Everyone likes me.  
  
WILL: Okay, just rub it in.  
  
SAM: Also, I couldn't figure out whether or not I won the California 47th.  
  
CJ: You couldn't ask someone?  
  
SAM: Well, I fired all my staff, and my groupies tend to get kind of incoherent when I try to ask them things, so I just got tired of waiting around and came back here to see if any of you guys knew.  
  
Everyone looks at each other.  
  
SAM: Do any of you guys know?  
  
There is a long silence, in which everyone looks uncomfortably at Sam, who is waiting expectantly.  
  
CJ: (hastily changing the subject) So, Leo, you asked us to come by your office?  
  
LEO: Ah, yeah, I just wanted to mention that Donna was tragically killed, we're all gonna miss her, everyone be nice to Josh, lay off on the corpse jokes, don't fight over her stuff too much, yadayada, also in regard to the raisin muffin situation -  
  
JOSH: Hang on a minute!  
  
Heads turn in Josh's direction.  
  
JOSH: Donna was killed?  
  
LEO: (unconcernedly) Yeah, about... (looks at his watch) ...nine hours ago, now.  
  
JOSH: What are you talking about? No, that can't be right! I only saw her a little while ago, it was just... a couple of minutes ago-  
  
CJ: It always seems that way, doesn't it?  
  
JOSH: No, I'm serious! I saw her in the hall like two minutes ago, she was carrying a pavlova!  
  
WILL: What was she carrying a pavlova for?  
  
JOSH: I don't know, she's Donna! She does these things!  
  
WILL: She wanders the halls carrying desserts?  
  
JOSH: Maybe she was hungry, I don't know... Maybe she was getting me some coffee, and...  
  
CJ: (with raised eyebrows) 'Maybe she was getting you some coffee'?  
  
TOBY: Josh, Donna isn't the only young, blonde woman working in this building.  
  
JOSH: I'm telling you, it was her! Leo, you saw her, right?  
  
LEO: Josh - continuity?  
  
JOSH: But I saw-  
  
LEO: Oh, come on, Josh, that was, what? Five minutes ago? We've long since moved on from there. She died.  
  
JOSH: No!  
  
SAM: Yes!  
  
JOSH: No!  
  
SAM: Yes!  
  
JOSH: No!  
  
SAM: Yes times infinity!  
  
JOSH: No times infinity plus-  
  
LEO: Will you two stop it!  
  
SAM: I was just trying to help.  
  
TOBY: Because that's always yielded impressive results in the past.  
  
JOSH: Donna isn't dead!  
  
CJ: Josh, do you think if you keep on denying it for long enough it'll magically be made false?  
  
JOSH: (shrugs) Hey, stranger things have happened. Besides, I haven't professed my undying love for her, yet, which means she can't be dead. So there.  
  
CJ: Well, she's dead as a doornail, Josh; you sure you didn't profess your love in your sleep?  
  
TOBY: (with raised eyebrows) 'So there'?  
  
JOSH: Hey, my assistant and love interest just died, you should be comforting me, not mocking me!  
  
TOBY: You just said she wasn't dead.  
  
JOSH: She's not, she can't be.  
  
LEO: Sure she is. You wanna see her corpse?  
  
JOSH: Leo, that's gross.  
  
LEO: She's dead, Josh. Let's move on.  
  
JOSH: That's it? My assistant has been killed and you're saying let's just let it go, forget her and move on to extremely pressing issue of raisin muffins in the mess?  
  
LEO: Well, I guess you could do the whole angst thing if you really wanted, but I should warn you, you're probably just gonna get laughed at.  
  
SAM: Just let it go, Josh, seriously.  
  
CJ: Who knows, maybe a year from now you'll wake up and find out it was all a dream. (everyone stares at her) Hey, it's not unprecedented!  
  
JOSH: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!  
  
WILL: Aren't we supposed to have a commercial break sometime?  
  
(cut to a Harvey Norman ad)  
  
(fade in)  
  
CJ and Sam are talking in CJ's office.  
  
SAM: Do you think that Donna's death might have been for some... I don't know, higher purpose? Maybe, maybe some good will come of it all, perhaps this will really help to bring us all together...  
  
CJ looks at Sam as though he has grown a third nose. Second. I meant second. I did. Honest.  
  
CJ: I think Donna's death might have been for we haven't had a major character getting killed for a while and we needed some quick and easy dramatic plotline to boost our falling ratings.  
  
SAM: You mean excluding Simon.  
  
CJ: What?  
  
SAM: You said there haven't been any major deaths for a while... you meant excluding Simon, right?  
  
CJ: (uncertainly) Yeah... Simon...  
  
Sam looks concerned as he catches the small quaver in her voice.  
  
SAM: CJ...  
  
CJ: I know we've been through this before, but just remind me again: Simon was who?  
  
SAM: You know Simon!  
  
CJ: I really don't.  
  
SAM: The Secret Service guy, you know...  
  
CJ looks at him, uncomprehending.  
  
SAM: Um, never mind.  
  
CJ: Okay.  
  
SAM: Hey, do you know who won the California 47th?  
  
CJ: Who's Simon?  
  
SAM: He was... just this guy, CJ-  
  
CJ: No, seriously, I want to know!  
  
SAM: You don't want to know.  
  
CJ: I do want to know, you've got me interested now, Sam. You can't just bring a thing like that up and then just drop it and expect me to go on-  
  
SAM: CJ?  
  
CJ: Yeah?  
  
SAM: You really don't care, do you?  
  
CJ: (beat) No.  
  
SAM: You're avoiding my question?  
  
CJ: What question?  
  
Sam looks at her.  
  
CJ: I've got a press briefing now.  
  
CJ walks out of her office, leaving Sam staring after her.  
  
CAROL: CJ, you've got a briefing in ten-  
  
CJ: Stop talking now.  
  
Cut to the Oval Office.  
  
BARTLET: Okay, what's next?  
  
CHARLIE: You have a scene with the senior staff, followed by a scene with the ambassador. Then-  
  
BARTLET: I'm sorry, the ambassador of what?  
  
CHARLIE: really don't think it matters, sir.  
  
BARTLET: I hope it's not Portugal; I hate that guy! What else?  
  
CHARLIE: Also a scene in the Situation Room after Leo comes in here to tell you that they've got something to report.  
  
Leo walks in.  
  
BARTLET: Now, that was just spooky.  
  
LEO: Mr. President-  
  
BARTLET: Situation Room?  
  
LEO: Yes, sir.  
  
Cut to the Situation Room. As usual, everybody stands as the President enters. Bartlet goes to sit down, and everyone else moves to seat themselves too, but then suddenly he seems to change his mind and stands again. Everybody else straightens, confused.  
  
BARTLET: I'm sorry, I was just amusing myself. You guys can sit down. (everyone sits)  
  
NANCY: Mr. President, we have new intelligence that people are getting killed in Kundu, and things are getting blown up in Qumar, and people are accusing us of assassinating Shareef.  
  
BARTLET: Excuse me, Nancy.  
  
NANCY: Yes, Mr. President.  
  
BARTLET: I thought you said we had new intelligence?  
  
NANCY: Sir?  
  
BARTLET: Everyone knows we killed Shareef, people have been dying in Kundu for months, and things have been blowing up in Qumar for long before that.  
  
NANCY: Yes, sir. These are different people and different things.  
  
BARTLET: What about Shareef?  
  
NANCY: We just felt the need to remind everybody that he existed.  
  
BARTLET: Okay.  
  
There is a long silence.  
  
BARTLET: Can I blow up something?  
  
NANCY: No.  
  
Cut to CJ's press briefing.  
  
REPORTERS: CJ! CJ!  
  
CJ: Mark.  
  
MARK: CJ, what's going on with Kundu?  
  
CJ: I'm sorry?  
  
MARK: I was wondering if you could give us an update on the situation in Kundu.  
  
CJ: Okay, let me ask you guys a question. Does anybody care about what's going on in Kundu?  
  
There is a long silence.  
  
CJ: Does anyone think their readers are going to care?  
  
Silence.  
  
CJ: Okay. Next question.  
  
STEVE: CJ, is the President's Secret Service codename 'Eagle' or 'Liberty'?  
  
CJ: I swear to God even the Service doesn't know for sure. Danny.  
  
DANNY: How come I keep disappearing for extended periods of time without any manner of explanation whatsoever?  
  
After saying this, Danny vanishes into thin air, 'Without A Trace' style.  
  
CJ: Uh, okay then... Katie.  
  
KATIE: Who won the California 47th?  
  
CJ: Your guess is as good as mine.  
  
Cut to Josh, who is wandering miserably through the operations bullpen. He stops by Donna's cubicle to stare at her desk, which she occupied only hours before... and which is now being torn apart by a crowd of staffers squabbling over her possessions.  
  
JOSH: (running in, attempting and failing to break up the crowd) Hey! What are you doing?! (he tries to wrestle Donna's computer from an intern without success, then settles for rescuing a stapler off her desk)  
  
STAFFER: Hey, I had dibs on that!  
  
JOSH: Don't you people have any respect for the dead?  
  
STAFFER #2: No, why, do you?  
  
JOSH: You're all fired!  
  
Everyone ignores him.  
  
SAM: Josh!  
  
Josh turns to see Sam approaching him. Whew, for a moment there I thought it was just some disembodied voice calling to Josh.  
  
JOSH: Sam! They're desecrating Donna's desk!  
  
SAM: Why don't you fire them?  
  
JOSH: I did fire them!  
  
SAM: When my staff is mean to me, I fire them.  
  
JOSH: Is that how you came to have no staff?  
  
SAM: I don't know, it all happened so quickly.  
  
JOSH: Okay. I'll be in my office.  
  
A man of his word, Josh starts walking towards his office.  
  
SAM: Wait, Josh! Can you tell me anything about the California forty- (Josh's door slams shut a little too quickly behind him)  
  
Josh's office. Josh enters to find a beautiful young woman waiting for him with long, silky, lustrous, perfect auburn hair, a glowing tan, bright sapphire eyes, perfect figure, you know the drill...  
  
JOSH: Um... who are you?  
  
BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT WOMAN: Hi, I'm Anastasia Loveday, but everyone calls me Mary-Sue.  
  
JOSH: Why do they call you 'Mary-Sue'?  
  
MARY-SUE: (with a delicate shrug of her perfect shoulders, and a small smile that displays all of her perfectly straight, pearly white teeth) I really don't know.  
  
JOSH: So, uh, can I help you with anything, Mary-Sue?  
  
MARY-SUE: Oh, I just came in here to say hi, since I'm gonna be working as your assistant, and to apply for-  
  
JOSH: You're my new assistant?  
  
MARY-SUE: Yup!  
  
JOSH: But... when did this happen? I don't remember hiring you.  
  
MARY-SUE: Oh, you didn't, that other guy... Leo, he hired me.  
  
JOSH: Leo hired you? Wait, if you've already got the position as my new assistant, what are you in here applying for?  
  
MARY-SUE: The position as your new girlfriend, of course!  
  
Cut to Will, who is working with the Robert Palmer girls (Lauren, Lauren, Lauren and Cassie). Sam wanders in while they are in the middle of some tough decision-making.  
  
WILL: Okay, okay, I got it. All in favour of getting a pizza, raise their hands.  
  
LAUREN SHELBY: I still say Chinese.  
  
SAM: Sorry, am I interrupting something?  
  
WILL: It's okay. We were just working on the President's remarks for the thing.  
  
SAM: What thing?  
  
CASSIE: It really doesn't matter, just as long as we look frantically busy.  
  
SAM: Right.  
  
LAUREN ROMANO: So, Sam, what do you think? Pizza?  
  
SAM: Will, haven't you got a speechwriting staff?  
  
WILL: No; they all quit because I was made deputy.  
  
SAM: Yeah, but that was months ago, right?  
  
WILL: Well, uh-  
  
Suddenly, Toby runs in, frantic.  
  
TOBY: Did you see them?  
  
WILL: See what?  
  
TOBY: My balls!!  
  
Everyone stares at him.  
  
SAM: Toby, you don't mean-  
  
TOBY: My stress balls, you sick people, the little pink rubber things...  
  
WILL: What happened to them?  
  
TOBY: Ginger took them, and I don't know where she's put them.  
  
LAUREN CHEN: Why did Ginger take them?  
  
TOBY: I don't know, but it may have something to do with my almost taking her eye out when I threw one of the balls but went a little off target.  
  
WILL: Yeah, that might have done it.  
  
TOBY: So, Will, if my balls don't turn up I'm holding you personally responsible.  
  
WILL: Okay, we'll get back to how incredibly wrong that sounded in a moment, but for now - how come I get held responsible for this?  
  
TOBY: Because I was aiming at your head when I hit Ginger. Also no one likes you.  
  
WILL: They like me. (points at the three Laurens and Cassie; the latter is getting Sam to autograph a 'Seaborn for Congress' poster)  
  
LAUREN ROMANO: Hey, do you think you could sign mine as well?  
  
LAUREN SHELBY: You're my hero, Sam.  
  
Will looks dejected.  
  
SAM: (autographing Lauren Chen's T-shirt) Hey, do you guys know anything about the California 47th?  
  
Everyone looks at each other.  
  
TOBY: (cautiously) Why do you ask?  
  
SAM: Oh, you know, I was running and I sorta wanted to know whether I won.  
  
TOBY: Yeah.  
  
SAM: So can you tell me-  
  
WILL: Pizza for everyone, I say! Who's with me?  
  
(cut to Josh's office, where Josh is interviewing Mary-Sue)  
  
JOSH: Will you be a whiney bitch at all times?  
  
MARY-SUE: Yup, you betcha.  
  
JOSH: Are you going to undermine my every move?  
  
MARY-SUE: Of course.  
  
JOSH: How about my friends, will you piss them off no end?  
  
MARY-SUE: Sure will!  
  
JOSH: Will you be so repellant that everyone you encounter will hate your breathing guts and wish you were dead?  
  
MARY-SUE: Well, duh!  
  
JOSH: Congratulations, you've got yourself a job.  
  
Josh and Mary-Sue walk out into the bullpen. The crowd around Donna's desk (or what's left of it) has dispersed, and when Josh moves closer he can see the reason why.  
  
CJ: Hey, Josh, what's up?  
  
JOSH: (looking around Donna's now-empty cubicle) You scared them away?  
  
CJ: No; I used my height to its full advantage and intimidated them all into going back to work.  
  
MARY-SUE: (confused) And this is different from scaring them away: how?  
  
CJ: My way doesn't involve jumping out and screaming "boo".  
  
MARY-SUE: Oh...  
  
JOSH: Uh, CJ, this is Mary-Sue, she's my new assistant and-  
  
CJ: Girlfriend?  
  
JOSH: (wide-eyed) How did you know that?  
  
CJ: I'm psychic. Also, I had Carol eavesdrop on your conversation in your office.  
  
JOSH: You had Carol eavesdrop on us? Why would you...  
  
CJ: Oh, you know. Blackmail material.  
  
JOSH: (becoming uneasy) Do you... do that kind of thing a lot?  
  
CJ: Sure, I've got a whole spy network set up all round the White House.  
  
JOSH: See, here's the thing, I'm finding it kinda hard to distinguish between your serious voice and your sarcastic voice. That was the sarcastic one, right?  
  
CJ simply grins wickedly, choosing not to answer this.  
  
CJ: I'm surprised at you, Josh, dating so soon after Donna was killed while... hey, how did Donna die, anyway?  
  
JOSH: (blinks) I... really don't know.  
  
Mary-Sue fiddles with her hair, bored.  
  
CJ: Anyway, I'm surprised you're dating again so soon after Donna's death; you seemed really upset about it this morning.  
  
JOSH: I am upset! But whenever I show it everyone just laughs at me.  
  
CJ: Hey, don't say we didn't warn you.  
  
JOSH: So, anyway-  
  
He is interrupted as Toby and Will enter.  
  
CJ: What's up?  
  
WILL: We got pizza.  
  
MARY-SUE: Yay, I love pizza!  
  
TOBY: Nobody asked you.  
  
WILL: I should warn you, though, Sam's still asking about-  
  
SAM: (wandering in) Hey! You guys haven't answered my question!  
  
TOBY: sighs) What was the question, again?  
  
SAM: Who won the California 47th?  
  
Everyone looks at each other.  
  
MARY-SUE: (whispers to Josh) What's the California 47th?  
  
SAM: Look, I don't care if Webb beat me. I mean... Okay, I do care and, you know, it'd kinda suck, but you don't have to be afraid of telling me, you know what I mean?  
  
MARY-SUE: No idea.  
  
JOSH: Sam, we really don't even know who-  
  
CHARLIE: (running in) Sam! Great news! I just got off the phone with some shady government official! He told me who won the election!  
  
Everyone huddles around Charlie excitedly.  
  
SAM: And?  
  
CHARLIE: It was-  
  
Roll credits.  
  
***  
  
Author's notes: Feedback is wonderful. If you review within 17694863 years of reading this, I will send you a free minion (batteries not included). Look out for episode two of Winging It: 'The One With Special Guest Star Matthew Perry (also entitled: See, We Don't Need Rob Lowe To Attract A Younger Audience)'. ~Seek :) 


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